#feel like i'm getting hit by a train
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it never stops being insane to me how they animated a villain so realistically and so attractively with Sakharine that even over 10 years of the film being around, I cannot for the life of me get that man off my mind just by how he looks. I'm obsessed. like day and night, just, in my brain. what kind of magic did these animators have to do that??? I feel like I lie awake at night and go about my day just unable to comprehend how they animated this absolute sexy masterpiece of an absolute bastard. he's too realistic, I'm going to die
#no words can express the full impact of this man on my brain#just daily having him live rent free in my brain#my life has never been the same since i saw that film#the adventures of tintin#i'm losing my goddamn mind over here#favourite films#sakharine#ivan ivanovitch sakharine#fictional crushes#feel like i'm getting hit by a train#instead#vent#rant#i'm serious i don't know how to properly explain it#this man has done stuff to me i don't think i've had a character like that before for me
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Trolling aside, i think there is some great importance as to why Gege chose this specific manner of panelling for the Yuji-Sukuna confrontation in JJK 264. We can't help but think that Gege's trying to show us some sort of a parallel between Gojo and Sukuna in this situation.
In JJK, there's this interesting notion of one's decision to go "North" or "South" as explained by Nanami during Gojo's death Flashback:
And we all know, that chapter of Gojo's death is titled as "Go South", which highly implies that Gojo chose to stay as who he was, as opposed to starting as something completely anew.
Now the interesting point in the Yuuji-Sukuna confrontation is that apparently...
....the destination for the supposed train within Yuuji's domain...is "North".
Which means that Yuuji's taking Sukuna towards the North.......
They're heading towards the North.....do you guys understand what that means?? For BOTH of them??? Q C Q
#why am i suddenly getting the feeling that both Yuuji and Sukuna are going to die together#and Yuuji's grandpa's whole shibangle of “Yuuji make sure you don't die alone” BRO do you UNDERSTAND??#also WHY is YUUJI looking SO happy like all cheery and happy like they're a bunch of friends boarding the train going on a friggin#vacation???#he's all specific bout it too like wdym “ Come on Let's go! Sukuna!” WHAT??#also does Yuuji REALISE that the one he's being all casual and shiet with the KING of CURSES is his last remaining FAMILY??#The only one he could call as “his own” ????? BRO WHY'S THIS ALL HITTING ME ALL AT ONCE--#my heart is </3 ing the more i'm thinking about it i need a few more chapters before i could fully articulate my thoughts well but the#IMPLICATIONS here man i'm just...MAN#sukuna#ryomen sukuna#yuuji#itadori#yuji#jjk#jjk 264#jjk leaks#spoilers#jujutsu kaisen#king of curses#my thoughts#ooc
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been thinking about this since last night and just - i really dislike it when a competent female main character is levelled to incompetency to push the story forward. i hate it when she has to become a damsel in distress without so much as a good reason for it just so she could be saved by her love interest.
if she needs to be saved or aided by her male LI, there are so many other ways to do it that doesn't completely disregard the intelligence, the experience, and the skill the character has.
#if it isn't obvious I'm still not over rafayel's scorching rain tender moments#like you're telling me this woman can take down wanderers left and right and she gets tased by a civilian?? bc it was a sneak attack??#girl go back to training#at least give her a reaction to it and fail#rather than just “oh i was completely taken by surprise” and got dropped#just so her knight and shining armor can save her#sigh i know this is the nature of games like this#and i know that even the most competent of characters can have their moment if weaknesses#but to me it feels like she has to get saved by every fucking body every chance the they're in frame together#like come on an mc that saves the male lead in a nonchalant way and not in the “i took the hit for you and now I'm dying” sort of way#wouldn't that be nice every once in a while?#mmm I've been thinking about this so much i even had rafayel in my dreams lmfao#atoltia rambles
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i love nuance, i love learning, i love knowing how something fundamentally works
#i was struggling throwing knives the other day bc my body picked up the muscle movements but what i taught it wasn't right exactly#i had to rly think about how my throw works and what I'm doing exactly. fundamentally#🚶🏾♀️ had to go back to being a noob at it while i trained w the right perspective and I'm v happy to not only have it back but#be better at it. much easier to switch between different sizes and weights‚ (much) higher stick rates‚ deeper penetration#☝🏾 my true test will be going to my friend's on Sunday and seeing if her bf still has his throwing knives and how i do w them 0:#i only played w them a bit on the first day but they're p small 😹 i feel comfies throwing the heavier n bigger it gets but idk#how it feels to move in the other direction yet. anyways‚ i am having fun ૮ – ﻌ–ა 🤌🏾 very happy i got back into this bc i feel like#in however brief time it's been i got better way faster than i did at 17 🙇🏾♀️ but I'm sure that initial learning helped#i mean. it did. that's why i was able to hit successfully sm times that first day. hm. so ig I've just been getting a more nuanced view 0:#muscle memory is crazy
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Ok I've had some time to chill, lemme say a bunch of things I DID like about The Star Beast:
The right vibes are back. THIS feels like Doctor Who and I have a lot of faith in what's to come once they have time to pace things out
The characters are great. A+
Made me laugh
Silly practical effects!
Obviously Marvelous MARVELOUS to have Donna back with us, even if it's just for a little while
New intro is bangin
New Tardis is Nice. I honestly didn't like the crystal one.
The trans rep comes from a sincere place, I can tell. I think a lot of the gender talk was awkward and confused and kinda. stupid. in places. but. I appreciate it anyway
Really nice that they didn't kill off Wilf despite Bernard Cribbin's passing
#doctor who spoilers#doctor who#doctor who 60th anniversary#sorry for the earlier posts it's just that. some of that shit hit me like a freight train#I don't like how hard they went on like. Rose's transness not just being a normal unremarkable thing#they had to make it some kinda alien magic thing#and have her get deadnamed for kinda no reason#and just make such a DEAL out of it#idk man shit like that just makes me feel like some kinda spectacle#it was too much. I found it embarrassing. not to mention how a lot of the messaging was contradictory and just. odd?#but that's just me#I'm not here to say whether they did anything definitively wrong#I wasn't necessarily *upset* either#I actually cracked tf up at "Binary! ..... nonbinary~.....Binary!!''
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#tw vent#I am so. so tired#this week hit me like a freight train#I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it#and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well#all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing#I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here#and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again#I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle#so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work I can't seem to even escape for a second#I just wanna explode#I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot#and if I'm not doing that I'm at work or at school#and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment#this is shit man#so utterly shit#mel's thoughts
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read through alien space for star rail context and every frame himeko's in you can faintly hear me in the bg trying hard not to think about how much she looks like diluc
#personal stuff#delete later#remembering the reason i got into honkai in the first place was to see what similarities genshin might have inherited#and going oh yeah!! this is fun actually#anyway yeah. woe same hair color bangs and art style be upon ye. the little hair loopy is driving me crazy#don't get me started on the red eye that pepper mint has contrasted to the delusion. good night#the manga itself was really interesting though! i haven't read a whole lot of the honkai manga bc i don't know where to start really#like i've read azure waters bc i love my girl. and second key for gay people lore#but i haven't read any of the others i don't think#also REALLY funny to me who didn't finish apho 2. originally i thought welt's star rail experience was an isekai.#i honest to god thought void archives hit him with a train and he woke up on a different train#while funny. the actual reality has me head in hands. the image of star rail himeko that welt sees and recognizes her.....auuuugh.#and the very person who rescues him is the person he feels like he did wrong by lying to her. agh.#but yeah! i only knew a little bit abt himeko's dad based on what we're told early in game#so i originally speculated that genshin murata's father was the og pyro archon who died and she took his place#but now i'm not entirely sure.#chances are. since we've seen archons inherit the same Ideal along with their element. murata probably fought her predecessor#and took their place#ACTUALLY FUCK ME. WAIT.#LIBEN'S LINE ABOUT NATLAN . WAS HIM TALKING ABOUT OTHER WORLDS.#at first i thought it was just a cheap way for the developers to talk about their other new game and maybe it was BUT ALSO.#AND AT LEAST ONE MURATA WAS OBSESSED WITH GOING TO SPACE.#HMMMM#listen i am not all that excited for natlan purely on the basis that i know mhy is going to fuck up every character design#but plotwise maybe i am allowed a little bit of hope. lol#anyway void archives pretty. i get it now.
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i think having TF2 as a special interest really early in my childhood influenced so many things about myself and my identity.... my gender is big men my sexuality is big men and my sense of humour is big men. i even named myself after the "very tiny and scrawny but still big" big man and i think about all the big men in TF2 on a semi daily basis,,,,,, anyway yeah i like the men in TF2 :)
#tf2#this post is nigh incomprehensible#this is the true effects of autism...... having such a big special interest that it literally influences half of your entire sense of self#i think this is why i feel gender euphoria playing crusty old source games#like i literally feel so connected to TF2 it's crazy#i'm currently listening to a TF2 YTPMV and have it in the corner of my screen and my brain is just going ''ahh... the song of my people''#i look at scout tf2 and i go ''he is just like me!!!''#man's got adhd and likes being an asshole to the other team on the battlefield and if that isn't relatable i don't know what is#i also occasionally play as engineer and i always put my sentries in the most bitchy spots ever#like you're taking a stroll over to the point and you're like ''oop. level 3 sentry that i can't get rid of because the fucker behind it-#-won't stop helicopter parenting it. welp.'' that's my gendar#scout main to engineer main redemption arc to scout main villain arc because my sentries kept exploding pipeline#that made absolutely zero sense.#i usually play on training mode because i'm too shy to play on casual again yet and let me tell you#the amount of times i've yelled at the engineer bots because they just won't build a damn dispenser next to their sentries is insane#like maintaining a sentry would be SO MUCH EASIER if you just built a dispenser nearby. like.#when you play engie you start to not even worry about your health anymore because you're too concerned with your metallic kids to care#it's like ''oh i'm at 2 hp. wow. OH SHIT MY SENTRY GOT HIT ONCE AND LOST A SINGLE BAR OF HP I NEED TO HEAL HIM!!!!! MY SON!!!'#and you never end up dead somehow because dispenser#and when you do die it's like torture looking at the spectating cam and seeing your sentry get shot at and not being there to help it#it's like ''nooo... my son.... please i need to heal my son..... i can't bare to watch''#i should invest in a wrangler.... hmmmm......#anyway this post is... so autism! it's great we love to see it!#autism#i'm very tired yet feel very energised.... i'm having a neurodivergent moment hang on#spy sappin my executive functioning#my brain is literally just 3 scouts and 2 engineers doing do si do with 'erectin a river' blasting really loud at the moment#YIPPEEKIYAHIYAAAAAHYKIYO - my brain when special interest
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tw ed in the tags !!
#im feeling sooo awful abt my body today its crazy#i dont wanna relapse but also i have prom and grad coming up so its very very tempting#silly side note but ive been friends w some moots on edtwt longer than I've known some of my irls and that's crazy to me#anyway i was looking at tweets of me being so majorly uber excited abt final hitting 45 kg T-T like man omfg#feb 23 me was the skinniest id ever been and i was thriving !!#and i highkey wanna be that again#was my hair thinning and did my face look so gaunt it scared me at times? yes#did i also feel my prettiest + have the most external validation from strangers etc ever? also yes !!#i feel fat and ugly rn but I'm also just very averagely weighted#but i have a naturally broader built but i feel like i look bigger even if I'm not ?? 9ufdkjhjs#anyway its scary looking through old tweets bc I'm talking abt skipping lunch like everyday and stuff like that's scary !! don't do that#but also it makes me wanna do it again like if i could look like that again... id genuinely kill myself for it#i was kinda also p healthy back then LOL only ate god food#cardio every evening + muscle training every morning#anyway teehee thats all i very much dislike my body rn and i hope i can lose a bit so i don't feel like dying <3#i have hope bc im only 5kg off what i used to be so !! shouldn't be too hard yaaya if i can just get back in the 40s ill be happy like a 47#i got this !! hopefully will not destroy myself in the process yay#tw ed
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#simultaneously while me and my bf are watching through season 2 - almost to 3 - i'm rewatching 6 on my own#and just got to the part where the spider crawls into theo's skin and like that whole sequence just fucks me up so much#like my boy is homeless#fresh off the victory against the wildhunt but no one's kept in contact with him despite him risking his life multiple times for them#harassed by the sheriff's dept#thinks 'oh this little guy's kinda cute' and then is betrayed by a demon spider#does a quick little surgery before seeing it vanish into smoke and at that point he's got no one to turn to but he's sitting there#struggling with whether or not to call scott#(ignoring the parked on the train tracks part bc i can't handle that rn)#like imagine what's going through this man's head he must be losing his mind and feeling completely alone#and then the hunters literally open fire on him while his hands are up LIKE#he learned so many lessons and became so good and it still didn't matter#he was still alone and getting hit with the shit end of everything even while just minding his own business#i....................i'm just...........#like i'm right right?????#😪😪#theo raeken never did anything wrong (lie) and he deserved better (true)#theo raeken#🤡
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ermm au where tangerine is the politician ladybug has to take blackmail photos of
#this is crack if it weren't clear#but now i'm getting invested lowkey#ladybug behind the camera like wait i didn't know this guy was gay? this doesn't feel right#but maybe he takes the pictures anyway. and then regrets it. and then he has to go on a journey to destroy the photos and shenanigans ensue#and he gets close to tangerine somehow in the process idk. kinda cute#alright i'm done here time to hit the showers#tangybug#bullet train
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hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well
(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)
#i'm so angry#thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all#how long have i suffered for no reason#because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit#...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently#but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over#and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context#and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset#and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five#because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school#i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down#and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do#and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset#and several other things#and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :)#just slightly more professionally#NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her#and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty#and why i felt so drained after even a short shift#but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train#and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me??#but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week#and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing#but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously#considering he's been our family doctor since my birth#and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either#jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me
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I also want to make it very clear that the spider-verse franchise has made miles one of the dearest characters ever to me. All of the spidermen in the movie are great. But despite all our differences in bg and identity Miles' story speaks to me like very little else does (w/ some rare exceptions I keep very close to my heart). I'm not really coherent enough to provide sophisticated analysis rn but just know that he is my everything and I adore him so so much
#ramblings of a lunatic#like. the first spider-verse movie spoke to me as a 13 yr old when it came out#he was a kid with high expectations set for him and all these artistic ambitions but he dismissed himself. he doubted himself#he didn't realize that just being himself was valuable bc he is valuable. his journey to becoming spiderman#-hit so goddamn hard. it's about the fuckin. don't do it like me miles. do it like you (cut line spoken by peter b)#bc the way miles does it is good enough. he's good enough#and this second movie is still on that train but even harder as everyone tries to shut him out and make him feel not good enough#Miguel's projecting his bullshit onto miles his friends aren't sticking up for him his parents are disappointed in him. and he's hiding#but the movie affirms even harder that no. miles is something different and that is what makes him so special. he has so much worth#he has cosmic significance bc he is defiantly himself#and like. all of the subtext i mentioned above is clearly based around/related to his afrolatino identity#and I'm not gonna pretend for a minute that i get that part the way i get the more. surface level ig? aspects of his arc#these arcs exist bc of his background and how they thematically tie his identity into the story#but like. that context doesn't make him any less relatable. it just makes him mean different things for different ppl yknow?#and that's the beauty behind the while ''anyone can be behind the mask'' motif from the first movie#anyway. these movies are really good. i love miles#spiderverse spoilers
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#have smth 2 talk abt but it's a lil personal BUT i don't mind people knowing so like here i am#anyways#sgdkfhgkg#man running into people that knew me pre transition is kinda. weird#it always sort of squeezes at my heart#in a. Way. like#idk#it's a bit odd#it's like they're saying hello to someone that isn't there if that makes sense#i mean like i'm still Here but it's like#idk they're saying hello to someone they Knew but not who i am Now#n it just hits me in the feelings in a very specific way#like loss. dunno shdjghg#i've been having a VERY good day otherwise!!! lovely day! fantastic day! but#man. yeouch#well i'm at work n the kids get out in an hour#putting those feelings n thoughts 2 rest#gonna keep the good day train rolling#sap says
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damn i just be casually out here with a 101 degree fever what the fuck happened
#I'm so used to working through the tired that I didn't even realize it was 2pm and I still felt fatigued#of course now that I know I'm probably sick I feel like I was hit by a train lmao#we were just talking about those filtered pain signals at a meeting at work last week actually#like when you get a cut and you don't feel it till later or at all because you were focused on smth else#cortisol thru the roof carrying me til my grave#didn't realize i felt a little shitty until I was finished with all my overdue work 🙏 Ty evolution you're my baby girl#not fandom#stinky speaks
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No I ranted about this in the tags of some random post I reblogged a little bit ago but I need to talk about this person and the absolute boldest that I experienced from them in the same hang out (I only hang out with them in group settings)
So first we got this Jennifer's Body bs.
(rant under cut)
I was talking about how I had seen the movie Ginger Snaps recently for the first time and I really enjoyed it and that it is very much similar to Jennifer's Body because of the themes of around girlhood and coming of age to then be objectified and taken advantage of by other boys and wanting that control back.
(Granted all I said was it's similar to Jennifer's Body before they jumped in and went: I don't like Jennifer's Body.)
And like I'm usually pretty open minded and also I was just so stunned I asked why.
And they say to me "Yeah the comphet storyline is just done poorly in my opinion and was really misogynistic"
And then when I tried to disagree with him he cut me off and told me it's fine we can disagree. We all have our opinions. MEN. I swear to God. (I should clarify they are 19 so that means that they are still learning but I just don't like the way he approaches it at all and its like he doesn't care about learning about the stuff he says that may be offensive or wrong) And then LATER
I'm talking about how I'm sad I have to wait for the second book in the series to become available at the library when I'm almost finished with the first book.
he goes "the way you won't just pirate the book" (which is actually incredibly difficult to do but they don't even read, they only read manga, so they wouldn't know that but that's beside the point.) BUT imagine telling someone who you know is a writer and wants to be an author one day that they should just pirate the book and then get confused why there are moral reasons I don't??? Like that's my community.
And then he didn't get how borrowing from a library is different than pirating. Which fair not a lot of people get but when I said the library forms a contract with the publishing company to have access to the ebook of a book for a set period of time (which they pay for) and if no one checks out the book they will just not renew the contract or a lot of people check out the book they'll renew and potentially buy more copies of the book
they still didn't get it. and just went I don't understand. And then I tried explaining it again and they eventually said ah I just pirate all my manga.
as if theres not an entirely different culture surrounding that type of media and it's also harder to find manga in libraries in america in the first place. (so while I wouldn't promote just reading free copies online of manga if you can help it - i also wouldn't tell you you are absolutely horrid person for it.)
#neither time was I asking for their opinion or looking for an intellectual conversation#both times I was the only one willing to use my brain for more than five seconds#like don't ask why and when i explain it very clearly act dumb like you don't understand#they also just routinely undermine me#like saying “Oh i wouldn't trust you with a bo staff like i'd be afraid you'd accidentally hit me”#as if I'm not literally trained in martial arts and have literally passed a test on handling a bo staff for months before taking said test#like i get i tend to play dumb and make jokes at my expense sometimes but also come on man#I also find I can't stand playing oppositional boardgames with him#because he tends to be right when he corrects me in game#and it pisses me off because he gets proven right#whereas irl when i correct him its just agree to disagree i'm not willing to even hear you out#he also said that bo staff comment the same night while we were in a halloween store and I was messing around with some of the props becaus#i like to pretend they are bo staffs. so it's like three comments in row directly targetting me for no reason#and I'm kinda over it#I feel bad about it because it might make our one friend a bit uncomfortable who also never weighs in when these comments are made#but like#I'm not putting up with that shit
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